the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
