I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I didn't notice because vodka
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
