Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
