sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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