i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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