someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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