My balls are so social today.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
