so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
