and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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