Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
