he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
