You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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