I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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