Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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