if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
