I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
