Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
