Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
nutella sex= disaster
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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