I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
