Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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