Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize