Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So many bounce houses so little time
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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