I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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