someone threw a dead crab at me
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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