why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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