AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
