I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
