I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
