So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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