No stitches, just platelets and will power
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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