xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
