Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
