I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
