You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
