puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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