just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
