I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
