Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
try to milk me bitch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
