Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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