When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
