just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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