You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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