He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize