Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
