I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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