my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
