why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
