I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
