Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
two words: eviction party
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
