I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
