my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Green mimosas i think yes
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
