do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
