Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
