4 words: hood of his car
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
