Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
