Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize