You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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