I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
